Amorous Disappointment

That’s the story about the guy I was in love with and how I got very disappointed with the way things happened. After all, it’s difficult to face the reality, but it’s better than to spend the rest of your life wondering what would have happened if you hadn’t tried….isn’t?

             I am not lucky in love. Not at all. I am still not completely over my last amorous disappointment . I will tell the story to you, guys…..It happened last year, in 2011. I was in the beginning of my first year in college. He was already in the third year and he is two years older than me (he was 20, and I was 18). At the first time I saw him, I thought he was handsome. Not a Brad Pitt, but I felt kind of attracted to him, but I thought he would never speak with me. And it was okay. Like I said, I only I felt attracted to him. I wasn’t in love with him. That changed, though. It changed in the day that he unexpectedly spoke to me…..

               I was going to have lunch in the college’s restaurant. When I entered in the restaurant, I saw him looking at me from his table (he was alone). My heart started to pound faster. Maybe he is just looking, I told myself. But then, when I was leaving the restaurant (after I had lunch), I met him in the door and de asked: “Hi, how are you?”. I felt so nervous that I couldn’t think well. So, I only gave him this silly answer: “I am fine”. Just it. He didn’t say anything else. That was our “conversation”, but it was enough for make me spend the whole day thinking about him. Then, I started falling in love for him. So, I got very excited to speak with him again, but he didn’t speak with me anymore. Maybe it was because of my stupid behavior that day in the restaurant, I thought. So, I decided to send him a message on facebook (I know, I was coward for not speaking with him in person….).

                I sent him a message saying that I was sorry for being so silly the other day in the restaurant and that I really wanted to talk to him. He answered my message saying: “I really thought you didn’t want to talk to me that day. It’s very nice to clear things up. Anyway, I do want to talk to you, but I am kind of shy…..”. I got so surprised and happy with the message. I answered him back saying that he could talk to me anytime he wanted. I was so happy! I really thought that he would finally talk to me.

             We indeed talked on the next week, but only once and only for a few minutes. It was the first and the last time we talked before the winter vacation. He sent me a message saying that he liked to talk to me very much. Just it. He didn’t say anything about meeting me on vacation…..I knew something was wrong.

               I couldn’t put up with that anymore. I wanted to know the truth. I wanted to know whether he wanted to get to know me better or not. So, I decided to send him a message saying everything: I told him how I found him handsome since the first time I saw him and how I didn’t expect that he would ever talk to me and how I felt clumsy when he talked to me for the first time. At the end of the message, I said: “I hope you are still interested in talking to me, but if you aren’t, I will understand it and I won’t bother you anymore. The only thing I will do is try to forget…..”. Okay, okay. I know it was a corny love letter, but I was being sincere and completely honest with him.

               When he answered me, I could hardly breathe while I was reading it. He said: “Hi…..there are lots of things going on right now…..I want to talk to you. Let’s meet.” I didn’t like the message very much. He was so cold…..but he wants to meet me! If he was going to say that we wouldn’t work out, he would have said that in the message…..he wouldn’t waste his time meeting me, right? That was the way I thought it would be. Unfortunately, I was too naïve….

                Anyway, we agreed to meet on that week, on Wednesday, at a square near my house, at 3 o’clock in the afternoon. I got so excited at the day! I arrived at the square some minutes before him and I anxiously waited him arrive. When he finally arrived, I got so happy. I smiled and complimented him. Then, we sat on a bench and spent a long time talking. We spoke about our college, about our families, our hobbies, even about religion….it was so nice…..he also told me that something very good happened with him, but he didn’t tell me what his “secret” was, he only said it was related to college…..

                After too much talking, he started to act seriously. “We need to talk! Let’s go to a calm place”, he said. I agreed and we went to a calm place in the square, near a tree (there were no benches there, so we weren’t sitting). It was very calm there. Only a few people were passing by. In other words, it was the “perfect place” for romance. He started saying: “I read everything you wrote and I want to say that it was very mutual….you fascinated me…..I have always thought you are very charming….”. My heart was pounding very fast. I was so happy…….until the time he said: “…..but I have already being going out with someone else……and I like her very much…..anyway, I hope you find someone special, because you are special….”. When I heard these words, I felt like someone had punched me on the stomach. No, worse. It seemed that I had been stabbed with a knife……I was so confused, dazed and stunned…..all at the same time…..I had never been so confused in my entire life…..I couldn’t even think well….did he want to meet me only to say this? I couldn’t understand what was the point…….After some seconds of complete silence, he asked: “Can I hug you?”. He probably wants to hug me only for consulate me or something, I thought with myself (like I said, I couldn’t think well). So, I let him hug me…..

              We spent some minutes hugging……I was very confused…..that hug was taking too long….then, I realized what was going on: he wanted to make out with me without commitment! That’s why he had warned me that he already had someone! I couldn’t believe it……I was feeling so bad, but it was also very good to hug him…..despite the things he had told me, I was still in love with him….I couldn’t just “turn off” my feelings……I really wanted to kiss him…..but then, I scolded myself: “No, you won’t! Don’t you have a little of self-respect? You do have feelings for this guy…..but he doesn’t feel the same….He only wants to snog you and then dump you like if you were a disposable object! So, think about it: it will probably be very good to kiss him, but will it be worth the humiliation? I don’t think so……”. Then, I noticed that he was gently kissing my shoulder. Let’s stop this now, I thought. So, I pulled away from his embrace and before he said anything, I told him: “I won’t kiss you….It will be harder to forget….” (of course it wasn’t the only reason, but I couldn’t think of a better answer….I was still very confused because of what was happening). He gently kissed me on the forehead and said: “I will be sincere….I really want to kiss you right now…..”. I also want to kiss you, but not under these circumstances, I thought with myself. So, I said: “Let’s get out of here!”. I hold his hand and gently pulled him out of there…..

               Well, I don’t even need to say that he didn’t like it at all. After all, he only met me to make out with me and that wouldn’t happen……so, when he realized that I wouldn’t change my mind, he said that it was already late and that he should leave. I agreed. We said good-bye to each other with a quick hug and he kissed me on the check. And that was it. That was my disastrous meeting……

                I won’t lie to you, I cried a lot when I arrived home….actually, I felt bad about it for a long time….when the classes at college started again, I found out what was the “secret” that he didn’t want to tell me: he had been selected to go on a student exchange program (the college would pay everything…..only a few students had this opportunity….the ones with the best grades….and I won’t lie to you, he is very intelligent) and he would spend a semester in the college of Coimbra, in Portugal. He would go within some weeks….during this time, he went to our college a few times to speak with his friends and to stay with his “girlfriend”…… yes, I found out that the girl with whom he had been going out was from our college….. unfortunately, I saw them together…..yes, I did….I had never seen them together in the last semester…..I guess it’s because she studies in the period of the night (he and I study in the morning), so they probably met each other in college only a few times…..and I had the back luck to see them together….it was so painful to see them holding each other’s hands, hugging and kissing each other…….. I thought I was more beautiful than her, but would it make any difference? She was the one that was with him, not I……he probably didn’t like her very much, otherwise he wouldn’t have tried to kiss another girl (or other girls….who knows?), but even so I felt very, very, very bad……

               I felt a little bit better after I heard about the “parting gift” she gave him: they were caught (by some boys that study in our college) having oral sex (to be more specific, she was performing oral sex on him) in one of the rooms of the college….of course the “news” spread quickly and soon almost everybody from college new about it…..I felt a little bit better because I wouldn’t be the only one feeling humiliated anymore…..I know it was mean and stupid to think like that, but that was the way I felt (what could I do?). This feeling didn’t endure much, though. I soon started to feel bad again…..especially when I saw on facebook that they were dating (yes….now it was official!). It was so painful……

             This whole “story” happened some months ago and I don’t know if they are still dating……I don’t know when he is coming back from the student exchange program either…..I don’t even know how he is doing……I haven’t checked his profile on facebook since the day I saw that he was dating (which, like I said, happened months ago). You might find it stupid, but I rather not know anything about him…..I think it’s easier to forget him this way…..I don’t feel so sad about him anymore, though, I haven’t completely forgotten him yet and I still feel a little bit humiliated when I think about what happened……but do you know what? I don’t regret anything I did! It’s better to face the reality (even though when it’s not good) than to spend the rest of your life wondering what would have happened if you had tried…..isn’t?

             So, that’s it guys…….amorous disappointment sucks….unfortunately we don’t have a button to press and “turn off” our feelings……so, the best thing we can do is move on with our lives and let the time make we forget….it usually takes a long time, so we must be patient, ok?!

                                                            

Kisses, Tati.

Shame on the restaurant

This is a story about the day I went to a fancy restaurant and ate a lot, which made me feel very bad with myself and I really thought about forcing my vomit.

              I have always liked to eat a lot, but I have being trying to change that, as I don’t want to have a big tummy. Once I went on a diet so as to have a flat tummy (mine used to be very big) and I ended up being very obsessed. I got too thin (if you want more details, read the story “Going on a diet”, published on January, 2012). Fortunately I realized that I had to stop doing that. But it wasn’t so simple: sometimes I ate too much and ended up feeling quite bad with myself. And once I really felt like forcing my vomit. I will tell to you, guys, about this unfortunate episode.

            When I graduated from my English course (I took an English course for ten years…..how do you think I can speak to you, guys?!), my classmates and I went to a fancy restaurant to celebrate (the director of the school paid all the expenses as a gift). I got so excited when I was serving myself…..there were so many delicious kinds of food to choose…..you can figure out what happened, right? Yes, my plate got full of food quickly……and I still wanted to have pasta! The woman that was serving pasta looked at my plate already full, and said “Isn’t better to get you another plate?”. I agreed. Yes, I agreed, can you believe it? I should have said “Actually, I changed my mind…..I don’t want pasta anymore” or something like that instead. But I didn’t. I was too euphoric about the food and wasn’t thinking reasonably……So, I went to my sit and put my plate (the “first” one) on the table and I went back to get the other (the woman hold it for me until I returned…..at least I didn’t have to go to the table holding the two plates…..it’s nice to think that it could have been worse, isn’t?). When I came to my sit with the “second” plate and saw the two plates (one full of pasta and the other full of other things) in front of me, I realized how shameful it was…..thank God I was sitting in the table next to the corner…..so I think the people from the other tables didn’t notice it, only the people that were sitting next to me…..I assume they noticed it (who wouldn’t?), but I didn’t look at them. I didn’t look at anyone. I was too shamed to face anyone. I focused on eating the spaghetti as quickly as I could (not so quickly, of course) so as to get rid of the “extra” plate and to be with only one plate like normal people do…..

            I still hadn’t finished eating all the past. There was a little amount left……so, guess what? I threw it in the other plate! Yes, can you believe it? Please, try to understand me, I was so ashamed that I wasn’t thinking well…..I just wanted to get rid of the “extra” plate as soon as I could….someone probably saw me doing that classless thing, but I didn’t face anyone….I wouldn’t be able to cope with the shame…..

             I got a little more comfortable after the waiter took the empty plate away……So, I started to eat the food that was in the left plate. When I finished eating, I realized that I had eaten a lot. I felt so bad with myself. I was such a pig! Such a disgusting human being! I looked toward the bathroom and started to have some weird thoughts. And if I took away all this food that was in my stomach? Wouldn’t I feel so much better? I never wanted to do that so badly. But then, I scolded myself: “No, you won’t do that. You won’t take the easy way out. You are going home now and you will get over this. You will learn how to eat adequately”.

           I called my father (not near my classmates, of course) from my cell phone and told him to pick me up. While I was waiting, I noticed that my classmates were looking at the menu, choosing which dessert they wanted to have. Oh, no! I got so tempted to have dessert! Shouldn’t I call my dad and tell him to wait until I had dessert? But then I scolded myself again: “No, you won’t. You have already eaten too much, don’t you remember? So, take a big breath and just wait daddy arrives and picks you up, ok? You’re strong. You can do it”.

            My friend (she wasn’t exactly a friend, but she was the closest classmate I had in my English class) told me: “It’s your turn to choose the dessert”. I told her that I wouldn’t have dessert. She got a little surprised, but not much. As she had been sitting next to me (and certainly had seen everything), she was probably thinking: “At least she knows the time to stop” or “She must be upset because she can’t choose more than one dessert” or something like that. I tried not to think what the others (the ones that saw everything) were thinking about me. I just wanted to get the hell out here. Daddy was taking too much time to arrive…..

            Fortunately my cell phone rang some minutes later. I went to a “safe” place to answer it. It was my dad. He had arrived and was waiting for me outside the restaurant. Thank God! I discreetly said goodbye to my friend (yes, the one that wasn’t exactly my friend and that was sitting next to me) and left. I don’t think anyone else noticed that I was leaving. Better this way. I have always hated to cope with that kind people that pretend to care about you and give you a fake smile, saying: “You’re leaving already? Oh no….stay a little more…..”. Ah, go to hell.

           Anyway, I went home. I was kind of relieved for living that place. But I was still feeling bad and ashamed for eating so much. I will get over it, I cheered myself up, and will try to eat properly. Starting tomorrow. Do you know what I did? I kind of “punished” myself for my awful behavior on the night before. I ate very little throughout the morning and afternoon: for snack, I ate bread and drank coffee without sugar; for lunch, guess what? I had one gooseberry popsicle! (I know it’s not a healthy thing to do, but it’s okay to do that once in a while). In the afternoon, I ate a banana and a cereal bar. For night….well, my family and I went to a fancy party (it was something about my parents’ job)….so, I told myself: “Your punishment is over, but show me you have learned the lesson: eat adequately! I trust you. You can do it!”

           And I indeed did it! I ate properly! I didn’t feel euphoric about the food. I put little food on my plate. Small portions of each thing! I repeated. But only once! No problem, mom has always says that’s better to put little food on the plate and repeat rather than to put a lot of food at once……and she was completely right! And I didn’t eat much. My stomach still had a lot of space for dessert! Yes, this time I deserved it! And I didn’t have a lot of dessert either! I only had two balls of ice-cream!

             When I left the party, I was feeling very well. I told myself: “I am so proud of you! I told you that you could do it, didn’t I? But pay attention: you won the battle, but it doesn’t mean you won the war, do you get it? There will probably have times that you will feel bad and disappointed for not being able to control yourself…..but you will get over eat, do you promise me that you are going to do it?”. I smiled. Of course I promise, I told myself, I do believe in me.

           So, guys, no matter how shameful a situation can be and how bad you feel with yourself…….take a deep breath and believe that you are strong enough to get over it! Maybe, in the future, you will laugh about a situation that terrified you before……or maybe you will even write a story about it. Like I did.

Kisses, Tati.  

Going on a diet

This is a story about when I went on diet so as to have a flat tummy and how I got obsessed with it and became too thin. Fortunately, I got over that.

               I have always been thin, but I used to have a very big tummy, because I used to eat quite a lot. I remember that whenever I went to parties, I used to drink so much soda and eat so many pastries, pieces of cake and sweets, that I felt like I was going to explode. I used also to put too much rice whenever I had lunch. My parents used to scold me a lot, saying that I shouldn’t eat that much, otherwise my tummy would be even bigger……..but do you know what? I didn’t care for what they said……I liked to eat a lot! Besides, I never wasted time looking at my tummy and being obsessed with it, so I never realized how big it was….

             One day (I had sixteen years) I was sitting on the sofa, watching TV, when my mom suddenly came and pushed my blouse up, showing my tummy, and said: “Look how big it is! Look that!” I Looked at it and got shocked! I finally realized how big it was! I quickly went to my bathroom and spent a long time looking my tummy in the mirror! I just couldn’t believe it! How big it was! How have I been such a pig throughout these years? I was so disgusted with myself that I started crying……I will never forget that awful day….

             So, I started to exchange habits…..I stopped eating so much rice at lunch….stopped drinking so much soda…..stopped eating too much in parties……At first, it was so difficult to control myself……at that time, I used to think about food so much…….sometimes I felt like giving up, but I had just to take a look at the mirror and see my awful tummy  to exchange my mind…..I used to feel so disgusted with myself that it gave me the strength to keep on my diet and practice exercise (to go jogging and to swim)……after some months, my tummy got smaller….its size was good…..but I wasn’t satisfied. I wanted to have a tummy like the top models have…..I was getting more and more obsessed and I went on a very rigorous diet, besides practicing more exercises…..

            I never spent long hours without eating. I used to eat every three hours, but I used to eat low calorie foods. Take a look of how was my schedule like: at breakfast, I used to eat a turkey breast sandwich and drink skim milk; at school, I used to eat a cereal bar; at lunch, I used to eat a little bit of rice and a little bit of beans and a lot of salad (since it’s a low calorie food, I used to eat it a lot to fool my hunger); at snack, I used to eat some sea salt water crackers and  drink coffee (with a feel drops of Stevita…..no sugar, of course!); at dinner, the same as lunch; at desert, guess what I had? An orange! (for someone that hardly eats sweets, believe me, an orange is so nhami !).

            My schedule was usually like that. Of course sometimes it changed a little: on weekends, for example, I used to have a “special” dinner: I used to eat a bag full of popcorn      (made with light butter!) and drink a lot of Coke Zero (for me it was so nhami!); sometimes my maid used to cook baked potatoes for lunch and I have always loved to eat it! So, I just couldn’t resist it: I always ate more than I thought I could…….and I used to feel satisfied…..what meant to me that I had eaten a lot ( yes, yes, yes…..I know that I was crazy) and I felt very bad….but I never made myself vomit! I didn’t want to become a bulimic.

             Besides eating little carbohydrates and greasy food, I used to swim and go jogging a lot…..I used to go jogging (for about an hour) from Monday to Thursday and I used to swim (for about an hour and a half) on Sunday. I don’t even need to tell you that my performance at sports was terrible! Sometimes, I felt like I didn’t have the strength to do it! I felt very tired and could neither swim nor go jogging well…..of course the reason was the lack of energy for practicing sports…..I was eating only a few cabs, so I didn’t have energy to do things well…..sometimes I felt tired of climbing stairs or even at walking short distances! Other things were happening: my clothes became very loose; my hair started falling more than usual and I hadn’t menstruated for months. Of course I noticed something (actually, lots of things) was wrong with me, but I didn’t want to accept that the reason was the way I had been feeding myself.

            I became very thin, but if you saw me, you wouldn’t say : “Oh! She looks like a monster” or “She is anorexic” or any other abnormal reaction. You would probably think that I was very thin. Just it. But if I had kept going on diet, I would probably have become weirdly thin. Fortunately, things didn’t become so bad. My parents started to be concerned about me. So, mom took me to a nutrologist. I got quite angry with mom. I didn’t want anyone trying to convince me to give up on my diet. However, I changed a little bit my mind after I talked to the doctor. She told me that I should eat more carbs if I wanted to practice sports……otherwise I wouldn’t have muscle mass and I would become weirdly thin. I didn’t like to hear that at all. I wanted to have muscle mass. I just didn’t want to have an ugly tummy. I asked the doctor what king of regime I should do to have a flat tummy. Unfortunately, she didn’t know.

           I started to realize that I must be able to cope with my tummy. But I hadn’t changed my mind completely yet. It only happened after I went to my gynecologist. My menstruation had been late for many months and I was worried. And guess what? My gynecologist told me that I hadn’t menstruated because I was too thing……and the lack of body fat was affecting the hormone production. I suddenly realized how foolish I was! Why was I damaging myself that way? Why was it so important to have a flat tummy? My tummy was in a small size already….not flat, but it was a small size……how stupid I was! I kept repeating to myself.

            I completely changed. I started to eat like a normal person again. No obsession about how much calories this or that dish contained. And I also decreased the amount of physical exercises I was practicing (until I got at the right weight). So, I started to gain more and more weight….started to have a healthier appearance again. But I won’t lie to you: it wasn’t easy. Sometimes I used to be very euphoric because I could eat everything that I wanted again…..and ended up eating too much (not so much like it used to be when I was a child, but, even so, it was more than I should)…..I used to feel very bad with myself…..and once I felt so bad that I really thought about forcing my vomit (if you want to know more about this unfortunate episode, read “Shame on the restaurant”, published on January, 2012), but fortunately I didn’t. I realized that I had the strength to get over it. Actually, I had to cope with some others situations of disappointment, shame and guiltiness about the amount of food I had eaten. And I know that I will have to cope with other similar situations in the future. But do you know what? What’s the problem? Everybody goes through situations like this sometimes! It’s normal! And we don’t need to have a top model’s body. To be sincere, I don’t even think that top models should be forced to be so thin. It’s not healthy. And many top models and other kinds of celebrities and up having alimentary disorder. And, what’s worse, this beauty ideal influences many people (like what happened to me) to be very unsatisfied with their bodies. It’s okay to worry about your appearance, but in a healthy way. Not in an obsessed and dangerous way, ok?!

Kisses, Tati.    

Good-bye grandpa (poem)

This is a poem I made in memorial of my beloved grandpa

Hi, grandpa, how are you?

I wonder what the answer would be.....
Okay, okay……let’s not talk about this……
Anyway, I have other things on my mind right now....
Do you remember when I was young and you had
to take care of me when my parents had to go to work?
We had so much fun together.....
Do you remember that you hugged me every time I greeted you?
You were never satisfied with the handshake only.....
Do you remember the times you scolded me?
Actually, you kept doing it even after I grew older......
Of course I didn't like to be scolded,
but now, I am happy that you did it…..it’s serious!
I don't care whether you were mad at me or not…..
The more remembrances I have of you, the better is....
And I will keep everything I remember of you
in a safe place…..right here in my heart.....
Then perhaps it will feel like you are still……
Well…..I didn't want to broach the subject, grandpa, but……
It's so weird to see you lying in this open coffin.....
with yellow flowers around you and a white veil covering you…..
It's so weird to touch your face that once
was so warm and ruddy,
and realize that now it became cold and pale....
It's so weird to touch your hands that once
held mine and that once wrapped me in an embrace,
and realize they won't do any of this anymore.....
And it's even weirder to touch your chest in which once
I heard the heartbeat, and realize that, from this day on,
it will remain in silence forever.....
Sorry, grandpa, I do know you don't like to hear depressing stuff....
and you must be tired of seeing me crying, aren't you?
I bet you are.....I promise I will try to stop, okay?!
Oh no! I didn't realize it was so late!
I wish I could talk more with you,
but it’s already time of your burial.....
The man who works at the funeral home has arrived
to close your coffin and take it to the grave to be buried…….
So, I guess it’ time to say good-bye……
I hope you enjoy your life after death....
I mean, I don't know what it's like to be in the other side,
but I do believe you are in a better place now!
Good-bye grandpa....I love you so much and
I expect to meet you someday!

kisses from your granddaughter, Tati.

My beloved grandpa

It was so terrible the day my grandfather passed away……I love him so much……I wrote this story in his memorial.

   

               I will never forget the day my grandfather passed away.......it was so terrible......it happened on January 2nd, 2012. Yes, I am writing this story one day after he died. I am still very sensitive because of what happened and I like to express my feelings when I write. It makes me feel better. Besides, I do want to write something dedicated to my grandfather.....he has always been so good to my sister and me. When we were younger, he used to be the one that took care of us when mom and dad had to work or, for some other reason, couldn’t watch us. I still remember that grandpa and I used to watch television together! I even remember that in the day that the Twin Tours suffered the terrorist attack, grandpa and I spent a long time watching the news. To be honest with you, I was watching it only because my cartoons were interrupted and I thought, for a while, that they would be transmitted again (please, don't judge me! I was only 8 years old! I didn't even know what a terrorist attack was!). I also remember that he scolded me sometimes......to tell the truth, he kept doing that even after I grew older......The last time he scolded me was about a month ago! Yes, he was very ill.....but even so he scolded me because I was arguing with my mom! He was such a strong man! Even though he was very ill, he had the strength to scold me! Of course I didn't say anything to him.....I let he scold me....but I won't lie to you, I felt angry at the time!  Now, though, I am glad that he did it....after all, now I can remember exactly the last time he scolded me! You may find it strange, but I don't care whether he was angry with me or not.....the more remembrances I have of him, the better is!

               He was 79 years old when he died from leukemia. He had been suffering of this disease for eight or seven months.....he went to hospital so many times! Suffered so much! Went through so much pain! My mom and her siblings were so worried.....they did everything they could for grandpa to stay alive as long as possible! Even though mommy new that her father would probably die soon, she, like anybody else, wasn't prepared to the moment itself.....like I said, it's very sad to remember this day.....It was three o’clock in the morning and I was the only one in the house that was still awake. I was in the computer when I heard mom's cell phone ringing. She woke up and answered the call. It was someone in the hospital (grandpa were alone in hospital because he was under a severe treatment and even the relatives can’t stay with the patients). He told mom to take any of my grandfather’s personal documents to the hospital. And she had to do it at the time. No waiting. He didn't say the reason and mommy didn't have the courage to ask. But there was no need to ask. She already knew the reason. When mom turned off the phone, I noticed that she was breathing loud and fast and she looked really scared. She woke my father up and explained him that they had to go to hospital. Before they left, father told me to go to bed. I obeyed him, but do you really think I could sleep? Like mom, I was very scared and shocked! I spent three hours trying to sleep.....I could only sleep by six o' clock in the morning! Mom and dad woke me up three hours later, by nine o'clock. My grandfather had died and we would go to the funeral.

              I had never been to a funeral before.....fortunately, nobody close to me had died.....until that moment.....almost everyone, including me, bursted into tears when we saw grandpa lying in the open coffin! He was surrounded by yellow flowers and there was a white veil covering his body. He was with a strange appearance: his skin looked yellow and his face and hands were swollen. Mom said it was because of the products that were used in the embalming.

               As the hours passed, more and more people were arriving: grandfather's relatives, some of his friends and acquaintances. Every time that someone arrived and hugged my mom and my aunts, they started crying.....and when I saw them crying, I wanted to cry too.

             The time of the burial was coming, so I stood near the coffin for a long time, looking grandpa......I touched (yes, I touched him!) his face gently.....his face that once was so warm and ruddy, now became cold and yellowish....I also touched his hands.....his hands that so many times I hold and that so many times wrapped me in an embrace, now wouldn’t move anymore....I touched his chest too.....his chest in which once I heard the heartbeat....from that day on, would remain in silence forever.....

               The time for the burial came......a lot of people started to cry, but this time I didn't cry. They took my grandfather's to the grave and, while his body was been buried, some people started crying, but, I didn’t cry this time either. Perhaps I have cried so much that my tears have finished, I thought. But then I realized that the reason was that I wasn't so sad at the moment. I was thinking that now my grandpa would rest in peace. I mean, he suffered so much.....and let's face it, it must be so terrible to be ill all the time, to go to hospital every other week, to constantly need a blood transfusion, to go through a lot of pain frequently and barely be able to walk and go out of the bed......that is not life! He is probably in a better place now. I try to remind me of that whenever I start crying because of him (just because I didn't cry at the time of the burial, it doesn't mean I wouldn't cry for him anymore). Anyway, I do believe he is in a better place now. And I hope I will meet him someday.

Kisses, Tati.     

Pink eyes? Not a good idea.....

This is the story of the day that I decided to hang out with my friends wearing pink eyeliner……I can warn you already: not a good idea!

           I must tell you: I Love buying trinkets, accessories, make-up, clothes, shoes…..you know, all the things you can call “girl stuff”. Of course it is a little bit frustrating sometimes: it’s difficult to find things that look nice on you and for a reasonable price. Sometimes you can’t help yourself and spend too much money on expensive things. But it’s okay to do it sometimes. Only sometimes, ok? I don’t know about you, perhaps you are rich and can spend thousands of money to satisfy your, we call it like that, “needs”. But, if like me, you aren’t rich, so you can’t do that. I am not saying I am poor. Thank God I am not. I live in a good apartment, studied in very good schools and I even took a very good English course (otherwise I wouldn’t have learned English well and wouldn’t be able to talk to you). My parents are professors in a very good college. They earn well. Like I said, we are not rich, but my parents have money to provide our family a very comfortable life. Neither my sister nor I work yet, but we receive pocket money from our parents. It’s not a lot, but it’s enough to hang out with my friends eventually and to buy some of the “girl stuff”.
             Since I am on vacation, I went to the mall three times this month. I bought many cute things: new blouses, a beautiful skirt, lots of trinkets and a lot of make-up too. I bought so many eyeliners of different colors: pink, purple, yellow and blue. I didn’t by the black one because I already had it. At the time, I got very excited for buying many different colors of eye liners. But, do you know what? I am starting to regret it. Some days ago, I hang out with my friends and decided to put on some make-up. I thought: Isn’t it the perfect time for me to try on one of my new eyeliners? I decided to use the pink one. However, when I finished the make-up, I didn’t like the result: it looked a little bit weird. I wanted to take it off, but I am so lucky that my friends called me saying that they were already waiting me in front of the entrance of my building. I got so angry! I wouldn’t have time to take off my weird make-up! I took a deep breath. Maybe it’s not too weird, I thought. And then I went to meet my friends. One of them looked at me and asked: “What happened with your eyes? Did anybody punch you?” I got so angry and embarrassed! I explained her that I knew that my make-up was weird, but I didn’t have time to take it off. She couldn’t stop laughing.
           We went to the movies and my friend was teasing me on all the time. “Look! It seems that she was punched! I got so uncomfortable! I went to the bathroom and tried to take the make-up off by washing my face. But it didn’t make so much difference. My eyes were still very pink. And my friend continued teasing me. I was getting angrier and angrier. I wanted to punch her. I wouldn’t be the only one with pink eyes anymore, I thought. Although I really wanted to do that, I took a deep breath (it works! I mean, almost every time it does!) instead and told myself to calm down……she is one of my best friends, of course I wouldn’t argue (or even fight) with her because of this is stupid thing. Let her tease me, I thought, one day I will have my revenge. So, I put up with the teasing and didn’t even complain.
              So…..that is it…..I will never put on pink eyeliner again! But, what about the other colors ? Well, I still don’t know how they look on me, I haven’t tried them yet. But I will do it. Of course I will experiment it before going out with my eyes blue, purple or yellow. I will only go out wearing the ones that look nice on me. If none of them works for me, I won’t wear any. So, them, will I have wasted money for nothing? Yes! Unfortunately, I am such an anxious person…..sometimes I get so excited about buying things that I don’t spend money wisely….but what can I do? We all make mistakes…..once, my mom bought a sofa of thee thousand reais (note: “reais” is the money here in Brazil) and turns out that it looked awful on our living room. My mom regretted it a lot. Well, at least my mistake cost me only forty reais. Besides, it is fine to make mistakes sometimes…..after all, we learn from our mistakes, don’t we? Okay, okay…..the truth is that I am inventing excuses so as not be so angry with myself…..I feel like hitting myself for being so stupid……but I am pretty sure that one day, in the future, I will see how important it is to learn from our experiences and blah blah blah……you know, these things that wise people is often telling us. I think I will start practicing it now! Let me see….What have I learned from my mistake? Ah, I think I know: “think wisely before buying something!”. No…..maybe it’s better this one: “try not to be an anxious person”! Or….isn’t better to say: “try on the make-up in the store before buying it”? I don’t know……I am not very good at this yet…..I know, I know, I should practice more……I promise I will do it, ok?!

Kisses, Tati.