This is a story about the day I went to a fancy restaurant and ate a lot, which made me feel very bad with myself and I really thought about forcing my vomit.
I have always liked to eat a lot, but I have being trying to change that, as I don’t want to have a big tummy. Once I went on a diet so as to have a flat tummy (mine used to be very big) and I ended up being very obsessed. I got too thin (if you want more details, read the story “Going on a diet”, published on January, 2012). Fortunately I realized that I had to stop doing that. But it wasn’t so simple: sometimes I ate too much and ended up feeling quite bad with myself. And once I really felt like forcing my vomit. I will tell to you, guys, about this unfortunate episode.
When I graduated from my English course (I took an English course for ten years…..how do you think I can speak to you, guys?!), my classmates and I went to a fancy restaurant to celebrate (the director of the school paid all the expenses as a gift). I got so excited when I was serving myself…..there were so many delicious kinds of food to choose…..you can figure out what happened, right? Yes, my plate got full of food quickly……and I still wanted to have pasta! The woman that was serving pasta looked at my plate already full, and said “Isn’t better to get you another plate?”. I agreed. Yes, I agreed, can you believe it? I should have said “Actually, I changed my mind…..I don’t want pasta anymore” or something like that instead. But I didn’t. I was too euphoric about the food and wasn’t thinking reasonably……So, I went to my sit and put my plate (the “first” one) on the table and I went back to get the other (the woman hold it for me until I returned…..at least I didn’t have to go to the table holding the two plates…..it’s nice to think that it could have been worse, isn’t?). When I came to my sit with the “second” plate and saw the two plates (one full of pasta and the other full of other things) in front of me, I realized how shameful it was…..thank God I was sitting in the table next to the corner…..so I think the people from the other tables didn’t notice it, only the people that were sitting next to me…..I assume they noticed it (who wouldn’t?), but I didn’t look at them. I didn’t look at anyone. I was too shamed to face anyone. I focused on eating the spaghetti as quickly as I could (not so quickly, of course) so as to get rid of the “extra” plate and to be with only one plate like normal people do…..
I still hadn’t finished eating all the past. There was a little amount left……so, guess what? I threw it in the other plate! Yes, can you believe it? Please, try to understand me, I was so ashamed that I wasn’t thinking well…..I just wanted to get rid of the “extra” plate as soon as I could….someone probably saw me doing that classless thing, but I didn’t face anyone….I wouldn’t be able to cope with the shame…..
I got a little more comfortable after the waiter took the empty plate away……So, I started to eat the food that was in the left plate. When I finished eating, I realized that I had eaten a lot. I felt so bad with myself. I was such a pig! Such a disgusting human being! I looked toward the bathroom and started to have some weird thoughts. And if I took away all this food that was in my stomach? Wouldn’t I feel so much better? I never wanted to do that so badly. But then, I scolded myself: “No, you won’t do that. You won’t take the easy way out. You are going home now and you will get over this. You will learn how to eat adequately”.
I called my father (not near my classmates, of course) from my cell phone and told him to pick me up. While I was waiting, I noticed that my classmates were looking at the menu, choosing which dessert they wanted to have. Oh, no! I got so tempted to have dessert! Shouldn’t I call my dad and tell him to wait until I had dessert? But then I scolded myself again: “No, you won’t. You have already eaten too much, don’t you remember? So, take a big breath and just wait daddy arrives and picks you up, ok? You’re strong. You can do it”.
My friend (she wasn’t exactly a friend, but she was the closest classmate I had in my English class) told me: “It’s your turn to choose the dessert”. I told her that I wouldn’t have dessert. She got a little surprised, but not much. As she had been sitting next to me (and certainly had seen everything), she was probably thinking: “At least she knows the time to stop” or “She must be upset because she can’t choose more than one dessert” or something like that. I tried not to think what the others (the ones that saw everything) were thinking about me. I just wanted to get the hell out here. Daddy was taking too much time to arrive…..
Fortunately my cell phone rang some minutes later. I went to a “safe” place to answer it. It was my dad. He had arrived and was waiting for me outside the restaurant. Thank God! I discreetly said goodbye to my friend (yes, the one that wasn’t exactly my friend and that was sitting next to me) and left. I don’t think anyone else noticed that I was leaving. Better this way. I have always hated to cope with that kind people that pretend to care about you and give you a fake smile, saying: “You’re leaving already? Oh no….stay a little more…..”. Ah, go to hell.
Anyway, I went home. I was kind of relieved for living that place. But I was still feeling bad and ashamed for eating so much. I will get over it, I cheered myself up, and will try to eat properly. Starting tomorrow. Do you know what I did? I kind of “punished” myself for my awful behavior on the night before. I ate very little throughout the morning and afternoon: for snack, I ate bread and drank coffee without sugar; for lunch, guess what? I had one gooseberry popsicle! (I know it’s not a healthy thing to do, but it’s okay to do that once in a while). In the afternoon, I ate a banana and a cereal bar. For night….well, my family and I went to a fancy party (it was something about my parents’ job)….so, I told myself: “Your punishment is over, but show me you have learned the lesson: eat adequately! I trust you. You can do it!”
And I indeed did it! I ate properly! I didn’t feel euphoric about the food. I put little food on my plate. Small portions of each thing! I repeated. But only once! No problem, mom has always says that’s better to put little food on the plate and repeat rather than to put a lot of food at once……and she was completely right! And I didn’t eat much. My stomach still had a lot of space for dessert! Yes, this time I deserved it! And I didn’t have a lot of dessert either! I only had two balls of ice-cream!
When I left the party, I was feeling very well. I told myself: “I am so proud of you! I told you that you could do it, didn’t I? But pay attention: you won the battle, but it doesn’t mean you won the war, do you get it? There will probably have times that you will feel bad and disappointed for not being able to control yourself…..but you will get over eat, do you promise me that you are going to do it?”. I smiled. Of course I promise, I told myself, I do believe in me.
So, guys, no matter how shameful a situation can be and how bad you feel with yourself…….take a deep breath and believe that you are strong enough to get over it! Maybe, in the future, you will laugh about a situation that terrified you before……or maybe you will even write a story about it. Like I did.
Kisses, Tati.
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