Amorous Disappointment

That’s the story about the guy I was in love with and how I got very disappointed with the way things happened. After all, it’s difficult to face the reality, but it’s better than to spend the rest of your life wondering what would have happened if you hadn’t tried….isn’t?

             I am not lucky in love. Not at all. I am still not completely over my last amorous disappointment . I will tell the story to you, guys…..It happened last year, in 2011. I was in the beginning of my first year in college. He was already in the third year and he is two years older than me (he was 20, and I was 18). At the first time I saw him, I thought he was handsome. Not a Brad Pitt, but I felt kind of attracted to him, but I thought he would never speak with me. And it was okay. Like I said, I only I felt attracted to him. I wasn’t in love with him. That changed, though. It changed in the day that he unexpectedly spoke to me…..

               I was going to have lunch in the college’s restaurant. When I entered in the restaurant, I saw him looking at me from his table (he was alone). My heart started to pound faster. Maybe he is just looking, I told myself. But then, when I was leaving the restaurant (after I had lunch), I met him in the door and de asked: “Hi, how are you?”. I felt so nervous that I couldn’t think well. So, I only gave him this silly answer: “I am fine”. Just it. He didn’t say anything else. That was our “conversation”, but it was enough for make me spend the whole day thinking about him. Then, I started falling in love for him. So, I got very excited to speak with him again, but he didn’t speak with me anymore. Maybe it was because of my stupid behavior that day in the restaurant, I thought. So, I decided to send him a message on facebook (I know, I was coward for not speaking with him in person….).

                I sent him a message saying that I was sorry for being so silly the other day in the restaurant and that I really wanted to talk to him. He answered my message saying: “I really thought you didn’t want to talk to me that day. It’s very nice to clear things up. Anyway, I do want to talk to you, but I am kind of shy…..”. I got so surprised and happy with the message. I answered him back saying that he could talk to me anytime he wanted. I was so happy! I really thought that he would finally talk to me.

             We indeed talked on the next week, but only once and only for a few minutes. It was the first and the last time we talked before the winter vacation. He sent me a message saying that he liked to talk to me very much. Just it. He didn’t say anything about meeting me on vacation…..I knew something was wrong.

               I couldn’t put up with that anymore. I wanted to know the truth. I wanted to know whether he wanted to get to know me better or not. So, I decided to send him a message saying everything: I told him how I found him handsome since the first time I saw him and how I didn’t expect that he would ever talk to me and how I felt clumsy when he talked to me for the first time. At the end of the message, I said: “I hope you are still interested in talking to me, but if you aren’t, I will understand it and I won’t bother you anymore. The only thing I will do is try to forget…..”. Okay, okay. I know it was a corny love letter, but I was being sincere and completely honest with him.

               When he answered me, I could hardly breathe while I was reading it. He said: “Hi…..there are lots of things going on right now…..I want to talk to you. Let’s meet.” I didn’t like the message very much. He was so cold…..but he wants to meet me! If he was going to say that we wouldn’t work out, he would have said that in the message…..he wouldn’t waste his time meeting me, right? That was the way I thought it would be. Unfortunately, I was too naïve….

                Anyway, we agreed to meet on that week, on Wednesday, at a square near my house, at 3 o’clock in the afternoon. I got so excited at the day! I arrived at the square some minutes before him and I anxiously waited him arrive. When he finally arrived, I got so happy. I smiled and complimented him. Then, we sat on a bench and spent a long time talking. We spoke about our college, about our families, our hobbies, even about religion….it was so nice…..he also told me that something very good happened with him, but he didn’t tell me what his “secret” was, he only said it was related to college…..

                After too much talking, he started to act seriously. “We need to talk! Let’s go to a calm place”, he said. I agreed and we went to a calm place in the square, near a tree (there were no benches there, so we weren’t sitting). It was very calm there. Only a few people were passing by. In other words, it was the “perfect place” for romance. He started saying: “I read everything you wrote and I want to say that it was very mutual….you fascinated me…..I have always thought you are very charming….”. My heart was pounding very fast. I was so happy…….until the time he said: “…..but I have already being going out with someone else……and I like her very much…..anyway, I hope you find someone special, because you are special….”. When I heard these words, I felt like someone had punched me on the stomach. No, worse. It seemed that I had been stabbed with a knife……I was so confused, dazed and stunned…..all at the same time…..I had never been so confused in my entire life…..I couldn’t even think well….did he want to meet me only to say this? I couldn’t understand what was the point…….After some seconds of complete silence, he asked: “Can I hug you?”. He probably wants to hug me only for consulate me or something, I thought with myself (like I said, I couldn’t think well). So, I let him hug me…..

              We spent some minutes hugging……I was very confused…..that hug was taking too long….then, I realized what was going on: he wanted to make out with me without commitment! That’s why he had warned me that he already had someone! I couldn’t believe it……I was feeling so bad, but it was also very good to hug him…..despite the things he had told me, I was still in love with him….I couldn’t just “turn off” my feelings……I really wanted to kiss him…..but then, I scolded myself: “No, you won’t! Don’t you have a little of self-respect? You do have feelings for this guy…..but he doesn’t feel the same….He only wants to snog you and then dump you like if you were a disposable object! So, think about it: it will probably be very good to kiss him, but will it be worth the humiliation? I don’t think so……”. Then, I noticed that he was gently kissing my shoulder. Let’s stop this now, I thought. So, I pulled away from his embrace and before he said anything, I told him: “I won’t kiss you….It will be harder to forget….” (of course it wasn’t the only reason, but I couldn’t think of a better answer….I was still very confused because of what was happening). He gently kissed me on the forehead and said: “I will be sincere….I really want to kiss you right now…..”. I also want to kiss you, but not under these circumstances, I thought with myself. So, I said: “Let’s get out of here!”. I hold his hand and gently pulled him out of there…..

               Well, I don’t even need to say that he didn’t like it at all. After all, he only met me to make out with me and that wouldn’t happen……so, when he realized that I wouldn’t change my mind, he said that it was already late and that he should leave. I agreed. We said good-bye to each other with a quick hug and he kissed me on the check. And that was it. That was my disastrous meeting……

                I won’t lie to you, I cried a lot when I arrived home….actually, I felt bad about it for a long time….when the classes at college started again, I found out what was the “secret” that he didn’t want to tell me: he had been selected to go on a student exchange program (the college would pay everything…..only a few students had this opportunity….the ones with the best grades….and I won’t lie to you, he is very intelligent) and he would spend a semester in the college of Coimbra, in Portugal. He would go within some weeks….during this time, he went to our college a few times to speak with his friends and to stay with his “girlfriend”…… yes, I found out that the girl with whom he had been going out was from our college….. unfortunately, I saw them together…..yes, I did….I had never seen them together in the last semester…..I guess it’s because she studies in the period of the night (he and I study in the morning), so they probably met each other in college only a few times…..and I had the back luck to see them together….it was so painful to see them holding each other’s hands, hugging and kissing each other…….. I thought I was more beautiful than her, but would it make any difference? She was the one that was with him, not I……he probably didn’t like her very much, otherwise he wouldn’t have tried to kiss another girl (or other girls….who knows?), but even so I felt very, very, very bad……

               I felt a little bit better after I heard about the “parting gift” she gave him: they were caught (by some boys that study in our college) having oral sex (to be more specific, she was performing oral sex on him) in one of the rooms of the college….of course the “news” spread quickly and soon almost everybody from college new about it…..I felt a little bit better because I wouldn’t be the only one feeling humiliated anymore…..I know it was mean and stupid to think like that, but that was the way I felt (what could I do?). This feeling didn’t endure much, though. I soon started to feel bad again…..especially when I saw on facebook that they were dating (yes….now it was official!). It was so painful……

             This whole “story” happened some months ago and I don’t know if they are still dating……I don’t know when he is coming back from the student exchange program either…..I don’t even know how he is doing……I haven’t checked his profile on facebook since the day I saw that he was dating (which, like I said, happened months ago). You might find it stupid, but I rather not know anything about him…..I think it’s easier to forget him this way…..I don’t feel so sad about him anymore, though, I haven’t completely forgotten him yet and I still feel a little bit humiliated when I think about what happened……but do you know what? I don’t regret anything I did! It’s better to face the reality (even though when it’s not good) than to spend the rest of your life wondering what would have happened if you had tried…..isn’t?

             So, that’s it guys…….amorous disappointment sucks….unfortunately we don’t have a button to press and “turn off” our feelings……so, the best thing we can do is move on with our lives and let the time make we forget….it usually takes a long time, so we must be patient, ok?!

                                                            

Kisses, Tati.