This is a story about when I went on diet so as to have a flat tummy and how I got obsessed with it and became too thin. Fortunately, I got over that.
I have always been thin, but I used to have a very big tummy, because I used to eat quite a lot. I remember that whenever I went to parties, I used to drink so much soda and eat so many pastries, pieces of cake and sweets, that I felt like I was going to explode. I used also to put too much rice whenever I had lunch. My parents used to scold me a lot, saying that I shouldn’t eat that much, otherwise my tummy would be even bigger……..but do you know what? I didn’t care for what they said……I liked to eat a lot! Besides, I never wasted time looking at my tummy and being obsessed with it, so I never realized how big it was….
One day (I had sixteen years) I was sitting on the sofa, watching TV, when my mom suddenly came and pushed my blouse up, showing my tummy, and said: “Look how big it is! Look that!” I Looked at it and got shocked! I finally realized how big it was! I quickly went to my bathroom and spent a long time looking my tummy in the mirror! I just couldn’t believe it! How big it was! How have I been such a pig throughout these years? I was so disgusted with myself that I started crying……I will never forget that awful day….
So, I started to exchange habits…..I stopped eating so much rice at lunch….stopped drinking so much soda…..stopped eating too much in parties……At first, it was so difficult to control myself……at that time, I used to think about food so much…….sometimes I felt like giving up, but I had just to take a look at the mirror and see my awful tummy to exchange my mind…..I used to feel so disgusted with myself that it gave me the strength to keep on my diet and practice exercise (to go jogging and to swim)……after some months, my tummy got smaller….its size was good…..but I wasn’t satisfied. I wanted to have a tummy like the top models have…..I was getting more and more obsessed and I went on a very rigorous diet, besides practicing more exercises…..
I never spent long hours without eating. I used to eat every three hours, but I used to eat low calorie foods. Take a look of how was my schedule like: at breakfast, I used to eat a turkey breast sandwich and drink skim milk; at school, I used to eat a cereal bar; at lunch, I used to eat a little bit of rice and a little bit of beans and a lot of salad (since it’s a low calorie food, I used to eat it a lot to fool my hunger); at snack, I used to eat some sea salt water crackers and drink coffee (with a feel drops of Stevita…..no sugar, of course!); at dinner, the same as lunch; at desert, guess what I had? An orange! (for someone that hardly eats sweets, believe me, an orange is so nhami !).
My schedule was usually like that. Of course sometimes it changed a little: on weekends, for example, I used to have a “special” dinner: I used to eat a bag full of popcorn (made with light butter!) and drink a lot of Coke Zero (for me it was so nhami!); sometimes my maid used to cook baked potatoes for lunch and I have always loved to eat it! So, I just couldn’t resist it: I always ate more than I thought I could…….and I used to feel satisfied…..what meant to me that I had eaten a lot ( yes, yes, yes…..I know that I was crazy) and I felt very bad….but I never made myself vomit! I didn’t want to become a bulimic.
Besides eating little carbohydrates and greasy food, I used to swim and go jogging a lot…..I used to go jogging (for about an hour) from Monday to Thursday and I used to swim (for about an hour and a half) on Sunday. I don’t even need to tell you that my performance at sports was terrible! Sometimes, I felt like I didn’t have the strength to do it! I felt very tired and could neither swim nor go jogging well…..of course the reason was the lack of energy for practicing sports…..I was eating only a few cabs, so I didn’t have energy to do things well…..sometimes I felt tired of climbing stairs or even at walking short distances! Other things were happening: my clothes became very loose; my hair started falling more than usual and I hadn’t menstruated for months. Of course I noticed something (actually, lots of things) was wrong with me, but I didn’t want to accept that the reason was the way I had been feeding myself.
I became very thin, but if you saw me, you wouldn’t say : “Oh! She looks like a monster” or “She is anorexic” or any other abnormal reaction. You would probably think that I was very thin. Just it. But if I had kept going on diet, I would probably have become weirdly thin. Fortunately, things didn’t become so bad. My parents started to be concerned about me. So, mom took me to a nutrologist. I got quite angry with mom. I didn’t want anyone trying to convince me to give up on my diet. However, I changed a little bit my mind after I talked to the doctor. She told me that I should eat more carbs if I wanted to practice sports……otherwise I wouldn’t have muscle mass and I would become weirdly thin. I didn’t like to hear that at all. I wanted to have muscle mass. I just didn’t want to have an ugly tummy. I asked the doctor what king of regime I should do to have a flat tummy. Unfortunately, she didn’t know.
I started to realize that I must be able to cope with my tummy. But I hadn’t changed my mind completely yet. It only happened after I went to my gynecologist. My menstruation had been late for many months and I was worried. And guess what? My gynecologist told me that I hadn’t menstruated because I was too thing……and the lack of body fat was affecting the hormone production. I suddenly realized how foolish I was! Why was I damaging myself that way? Why was it so important to have a flat tummy? My tummy was in a small size already….not flat, but it was a small size……how stupid I was! I kept repeating to myself.
I completely changed. I started to eat like a normal person again. No obsession about how much calories this or that dish contained. And I also decreased the amount of physical exercises I was practicing (until I got at the right weight). So, I started to gain more and more weight….started to have a healthier appearance again. But I won’t lie to you: it wasn’t easy. Sometimes I used to be very euphoric because I could eat everything that I wanted again…..and ended up eating too much (not so much like it used to be when I was a child, but, even so, it was more than I should)…..I used to feel very bad with myself…..and once I felt so bad that I really thought about forcing my vomit (if you want to know more about this unfortunate episode, read “Shame on the restaurant”, published on January, 2012), but fortunately I didn’t. I realized that I had the strength to get over it. Actually, I had to cope with some others situations of disappointment, shame and guiltiness about the amount of food I had eaten. And I know that I will have to cope with other similar situations in the future. But do you know what? What’s the problem? Everybody goes through situations like this sometimes! It’s normal! And we don’t need to have a top model’s body. To be sincere, I don’t even think that top models should be forced to be so thin. It’s not healthy. And many top models and other kinds of celebrities and up having alimentary disorder. And, what’s worse, this beauty ideal influences many people (like what happened to me) to be very unsatisfied with their bodies. It’s okay to worry about your appearance, but in a healthy way. Not in an obsessed and dangerous way, ok?!
Kisses, Tati.
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